THE DAILY DIRT BOLLYWOOD FILM FESTIVAL! Well, the results of the first annual Daily Dirt Bollywood Subtitling Spectacular are in, and, like all great comedy… the results aren't pretty. So, without further ado, let's get to the ceremony. Celebrity Judge Billy Crystal didn't come cheap, and we don't want this thing to run an hour over its allotted time... The Crapademy Award for Earliest Resort to Homophobia goes to our old pal R.W. Sharp, for his paradigm-busting romance, Brokeback Bombay. The Latke Gravas award for Mockery of Incomprehensible Subtitling goes to our old pal Jack Frost, for his erotic masterpiece, The Having of Pleasures. Mister Frost makes Crapademy Award history tonight by being the first multiple winner, as he also takes home the Mister Blackwell Award for Recognizing Crimes Against Haberdashery, for his thrilling action epic, Bow Tie Bad-Ass. Stealing away Jack Frost's Crapademy Award for Most Awards Won in the Bollywood Film Festival is our old pal Steve, who wins the Sweet Sweetback's Baaaadass Pakspoitation Award for his groundbreaking works, Hell Up In Lahore, Mohammedingo and Beige is Beautiful. His subsequent, more mainstream efforts -- including crime thrillers like Dring Dring! and Until You Die From It -- failed to live up to his early promise. Winner of the If At First You Don't Succeed Award for perseverance in the face of failure is yer old pal Jerky's old pal Colin Shapiro, who delivered a veritable avalanche of duds, such as Along Came A Menu, The Wild, Wild East, The Slapmaster, How Benazir Got Her Groove Back, Whack On, Whack Off and I Am Pranking You Sir, before scoring a hit with his masterpiece, Shirts and Skins. Our old pal JM scores a C+ for Effort with his ode to a really old joke, My Dog's Nose. Yer old pal Jerky's old pal Spiderman wins the Sensitive Fetishist Award for his touching meditation on the intimacy of shared perversion, Whips of Saffron. Our old pal ACD's subcontinental mafia thriller The Kebabfather will be taking home the Gold Medal for Best Plummeting Faux Pacino. Notre bon ami Mark wins the Palme D'Or-A-Trois Award (a.k.a. The Golden Palm) for his groundbreaking erotic/culinary trilogy, She Asked For It, Currying Favor With Father and Trio! Trio! Trio! Our old pal Arous wins the Michael Moore Political Blatancy Award for his stirring documentary polemic, Best of Luck. And finally, even though he isn't a fan of the Daily Dirt, Rock and Roll Confidential denizen Hank the Mailman's They Just Don't Listen wins the Betty Freidan Award for untimely ironic misogyny. Well, that's it for this year's edition of the Daily Dirt Bollywood Subtitling Spectacular. On behalf of the Crapademy, I'd like to thank you all for watching and participating. Remember folks, keep watching the skies and you'll never walk alone! Good night, and Godzilla bless! - YOPJ Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY February 3 On this day in 1815, the world's first commercial cheese factory is established in Switzerland. Never before have so many people cut so much cheese at such close proximity to each other without starting a riot. On this day in 1887, Congress creates the Electoral Count Act to help avoid disputes during close national elections. Insert sarcastic snort of derision, here. On this day in 1953, a chimpanzee by the name of J. Fred Muggs becomes a media sensation when Dave Garroway hires him as a co-host for his Today Show, on NBC. After biting actress Martha "Big Mouth" Raye in 1954, Muggs is sent on an international good-will tour, prompting one surly Soviet propagandist to write: "A symbol of the American way of life, Muggs is necessary in order that the average American should not look into reports on rising taxes, and decreasing pay, but rather laugh at the funny mug of a chimpanzee." Ouch... Nice shot, Igor. Speaking of Rooskies and nice shots, the Soviets land the first man-made object on the Moon on this day in 1966. It's the unmanned probe, Luna 9. On this day in 1994, President Bill Clinton lifts the trade embargo against Vietnam. Purple-faced, spittle-flecked outrage ensues. February 4 On this day in 1600, Tycho Brahe and Johannes Kepler meet for first time, in a tavern near Prague. Yer old pal Jerky didn't know shit about this meeting other than it happened, until he read this interesting page, which I think is a poem, but it doesn't rhyme, so who knows? On this day in 1974, publishing heiress Patty Hearst is kidnapped, then brainwashed, by the Symbionese Liberation Army. Three years later, in 1977, Paul McCartney's band Wings releases the album Maybe I'm Amazed on the same day that Fleetwood Mac releases Rumours. And that, in a nutshell, was the 1970's. On this day in 1997, Theissman-winning grid-iron legend O.J. "the Juice" Simpson is found "liable" -- as opposed to "guilty" -- for the deaths of Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown Sugar, in a civil suit filed in the wake of the "not guilty" -- as opposed to "innocent" -- verdict, in his criminal trial. Sound confusing? It supposed to be! It's the LAW! On this day in 1998, Microsoft founder Bill Gates gets a pie to the face in Belgium. HA-ha! February 5 On this day in 1918, the USSR officially begins separating church and state. Church nearly succumbs to post-operative complications. On this day in 1972, Bob Douglas becomes the first black man elected to Basketball's Hall of Fame. In yer old pal Jerky's opinion, this fact requires nothing more to make it hilarious. On this day in 1989, Kareem Abdul-Jabar becomes the first NBA player to score 38,000 career points. To put that achievement in perspective, that's almost four points for every chick Wilt Chamberlain ever banged.

THEY SAID IT! "Well, I really think that he shatters the myth of white supremacy once and for all. It shows that, in this great country, anybody can become president." - Representative Charlie Rangle (D-Harlem) tells us what he really thinks about Preznit Dubya. *** **** *** "In the 80's it was not fashionable to stand up for anything. It was a decade when bending over was the thing you did to get ahead. The way up the ladder was with your mouth attached to the anal orifice of the creature -- whatever its denomination -- in front of you. It was pushing upward and sucking at the same time as you went up the rungs, with the junk bonds spilling out of your pockets, and your mind reeling from the LSD experience that you had in the 60's. The Yuppie lived in a special type of aquarium created for him by the Reagan administration. People wish the good old days of the 80's would come back -- when there was still something to steal." - Frank Zappa (1940-1993), who would have made a great President if James Baker the Turd hadn't had The Boys in the White House Basement shoot him with their cancer-gun, for personal reasons.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Trembly Dale! A trumpeter is hired to play two solos for a movie soundtrack. After the sessions he is paid handsomely and promised that he will be notified when the movie is released. Three months later, he receives a notice that the movie will make its debut in Times Square at a porno house. Embarrassed but interested, the musician enters the theatre wearing a dark raincoat and shades. He hides in the last row next to an elderly couple. The film has explicit sex scenes: oral, anal, sadomasochism and, near the end, a dog has intercourse with the leading female character. The musician, horrified, turns to the elderly couple and whispers, "I wrote the score and I just came to hear the music." To which the elderly woman whispers in reply, "We just came to see our dog!" *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Henry Bent for sending in today's second joke. A fellow checked into a hotel on a business trip recently and was a bit lonely so he thought he'd get one of those girls you see advertised in the phone books under Escorts and Massages. He opened the phone book to an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs. He gives her a call. "Hello?" the woman says. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night. Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?" She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Gilles... For centuries, Hindu women have worn a red spot on their foreheads. We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their religion. When one of these women gets married, she brings with her, a dowry. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the red spot to see if he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a motel in Surrey. If he gets a 'Sorry, No Winner', he is destined to a life of driving cab in Edmonton or Calgary.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: NOVELISTS OF THE FUTURE! care of: Henry Bent These are allegedly actual analogies and metaphors culled from recent high school essays! "Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a thigh master." "His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free." "He spoke with wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it." "She grew on him like E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef." "She had a deep throaty genuine laugh like that sound a dog makes just before he throws up." "Her vocabulary was as bad, as, like, whatever." "He was a tall as a six foot three inch tree." "The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge free ATM." "The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t." "McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a hefty bag filled with vegetable soup." "From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 pm instead of 7:30." "Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze." "The hailstones leaped up off the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease." "Long separated by cruel fate, the star crossed lovers raced across a grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph." "They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resemble Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth." "John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met." "He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the east river." "Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut." "Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do." "The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work." "Young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while." "Oh, Jason, take me! she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night." "He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a really duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something." "The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant." "It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids with power tools." "He was deeply in love when she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up." "She was as easy as the TV guide crossword." "Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser." "She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs." "Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightening." "It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall." [Maybe it's the drugs, but I actually liked most of those. - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Jerky; It really does say something when nearly every person I know with any sense left feels exactly the same way as you do about Dubya, and cannot stand to even look at that asshole much less listen to him speak. I guess I was like that with Reagan but the gut hatred wasn't there. Nan or Ben [And it's getting worse by the day. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky; Here's an interesting tid-bit for you: In preperation for the Super Bowl, the host city of Detroit gave Steelers running back (and Detriot native) Jerome Bettis the key to the city. The last Key that Detroit handed out to an individual? In 1980, to Saddam Hussein! CT [I was going to make a joke comparing Detroit to Baghdad, but the dude who wrote the article you linked already did that. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hi Ya, Mr Jerky. Just a heads up for Ya Sir. On the U.K. Radio on the 28 of January 2006 a momentous anouncement. Due to the success of their Live 8 concert the Floyd have resolved there diferences and are going to reform. Appologies for the crap spelling, Bacardi is quite addictivbe. Do you think this is a good Idea or a mistake? From U.K. John [I think it's fucking awesome. In fact, a tour is great, but what we really need is a new album with the synergistic genius of Waters, Gilmour, Wright and Mason. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; Here's a neat idea on how to throw a Superbowl party for people who aren't that into football. Jerome [Just don't get any in the dip. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky, In response to Bob's question, I am hxdsa. (Now technically, it should be all lowercase, but I know I've done a lot of nitpicking so far, so I'll let it go.) Cheers, hxdsa [You passive agressive son-of-a-whore. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky, please, I've long enjoyed your expertise with offensive images. Much in the news today in Europe, a muslim furor (including cookie, milk and butter boycots, oh my!) in reaction to supposedly offensive cartoons published in Morgenavisen Jyllands-Posten's September 30, 2005 and later republished in Norway, images showing what 12 cartoonists thought the prophet Mohammed would look like. I've been websearching to try to see for myself what these cartoons look like, but haven't been able to find them anywhere. Maybe you need to read Danish to get to them, but I was thinking if anybody could find some good "blasphemous" web images, you'd be the body. Could you try to post them on your site, or post links so we could all participate in this interesting exercise in Freedom of Expression? [Here they are. Furthermore, I'll be drawing up a cartoon strip entitled "The Wacky Adventures of the Prophet Mohammed" for online publication at a later date. I'll let you know when it's done. - Jerky] *** **** *** Mr. jerky, I am a long time reader and never fail to read an issue. your website is one of the few places where I can go and hear someone openly admit that they, like me, don't buy into this notion of a god. however, I have a religious relative who told me he "knows for a fact" that there is a god. well I think he has his facts and his beliefs mixed up. but anyway it got me to thinking. for me to say I "know there isn't a god" is just as arrogant as his statement is. hell I can't prove there isn't a god any more than he can prove there is a god. for that reason I no longer claim to be atheist but I call myself an agnostic. my mission to you, Mr. jerky, if you choose to accept--- would you please point out the error in my logic. retired guy [You'd have to define your terms first. If by God you mean some superior intelligence, or even the sum total of the universe expressed as a singular consciousness, then yeah, maybe there's room for uncertainty. But if you mean the Christian God of the Bible -- the one who floods the world to punish the wicked, who talks through burning bushes, who orders us to worship him or burn in hell after we die -- then no... there's no wiggle room, there. That God is total bullshit, a made-up fairy tale to keep the rabble in line. Failure to believe in God is not offensive to God, because God doesn't exist. It's only offensive to those who tell you to believe, because you're basically calling them dupes. Which they are. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com