EYES A BURGEN?! WEEZE A BURGEN!!! We really should have known, shouldn't we? You know how they always say that the worst thing you can do when you're dieting is to have a drink of alcohol? Oh, it's just the WORST thing you can do, they all say! The doctor, the nurses, the busybody neighbor from Hell. Well… a scientific study has just been undertaken, and guess what? It turns out drinking booze actually HELPS DIETERS LOSE WEIGHT!!! Of course, the study was undertaken in Austraila, where beer is seen as a daily sacrament of sorts, but we here at the Daily Dirt are assuming that the scientific method was adhered to. And if THAT weren't enough to make you want to rip your own balls off with rage, try THIS on for size: You know how they always say be sure to slather on lots of sunscreen before going outside, to help cut the risk of developing skin cancer? There's even a song about it! It's called "I'm serious about the sunscreen" or something. Spoken word. Anyway… a scientific study has just been undertaken, and guess what? It turns out using sunscreen INCREASES your likelihood of contracting skin cancer! Most especially the deadliest kind… carcinomic melanoma! Of course, both of these studies are sure to be proven wrong within about half a decade or so, so yer old pal Jerky wouldn't take them TOO seriously if he were you. Following in the dragging footsteps of Charlie's Angels II: Full Throttle, Lara Croft: Tomb Raider II: The Cradle of Life - the mega-million-dollar super-chick sequel with the title that's two mouthfuls of stupid - has flopped at the box office. So what went wrong? According to executives at Paramount: "The only thing we can attribute to is that gamers were not happy with the latest version of the video game." Sheesh! Why don't they just blame CIA cheif George Tennet? He won't mind! *** **** *** LEWD LEXICON! Vagician (n) An individual who can work magic upon a vagina. "Steve made me cum three times before his dick even entered the equation! What a vagician that man was!" Vagician's Apprentice (n) A very lucky lady. Me-OUCH! (prop. n) A drinking game played by psychopaths. A variation on the time-honored game of Quarters, only instead of bouncing coins into a drinking glass, you bounce live kittens into an open-topped blender set on "liquefy." Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com

ON THESE DAYS! August 3 NICE TITS! SHAME ABOUT THE FACE. On this day in the year 2000, a dignified young lady with a good sense of humor and a positive body-image surprised the cast and crew of the Today Show by opening her shirt and flashing her flesh-puppies all over the air-waves. Unfortunately for the rest of us, only those who live on the East Coast got to see the display, as such incidents get edited out as the show makes its way across time-zones. God-dammit, there oughta be a LAW!!! On this night in 2000, it finally happened. It had been a long time coming, but that was the night the GOP mandarins gently walked John McCain over to the podium, bent him over, pulled down his pants and fucked him nice and slow for all the world to see. It was a sad sight, really, to see a genuine war hero - a man who spent more time in a Vietnamese POW camp than Dubya spent in the governor's mansion of Texas - regretfully hand over what he thought would be his destiny to some coke-snortin' empty-headed frat-boy meat-puppet. Yer old pal Jerky's always had a soft-spot for McCain, and even though I wouldn't have voted for him, I think he would have made a fine President. He's smart, he strikes fear into journalists' hearts, and he's got balls of steel. But the speech he gave that night at the GOP convention was a sad sight to behold. At one point, McCain said: "I support Governor Bush. I am grateful to him. And I am proud of him." He supported the man who's campaign team started a whisper campaign declaring him mentally unstable? He was grateful to the man who falsely accused him of voting against breast-cancer research? He was proud of the man who repeatedly and maliciously made up lies about his record? Bullshit. The man was hornswoggled, and he knew it. How else to explain the following passage from his speech: "Many years ago, the governor's father served in the Pacific, with distinction, under the command of my grandfather. Now it is my turn to serve under the son of my grandfather's brave subordinate." Wow. That is one helluva long way to go to suck ass, isn't it? Still, he managed to redeem himself somewhat with his prophetic closing remark: "I am haunted by the vision of what will be." Sheeeit... kinda makes you wonder whether he knew something WE didn't know? August 4 On this day in 1959, America's new 49-star flag honoring Alaska's statehood is unfurled for the first time. They might as well have held their fuckin' horses, however, seeing as the 50-star flag honoring Hawaii's inclusion as a state premieres exactly one year later, on this day in 1960. On this day in 1830, the first plans for the city of Chicago are tentatively laid out. Unfortunately, they foolishly stick Wrigley Field over an Indian Pet Sematery with a Satanic curse on it or something, thereby dooming the Cubs franchise to eternal failure. Pop the cork! On this day in the year 1693, French monk Dom Perignon accidentally invents champagne!

THEY SAID IT! "Ask me about about my vow of silence." - Seen on a t-shirt this past weekend. Made (disgusting, undrinkable) soy milk come out yer old pal Jerky's nose. *** *** *** "Never say Never Say Never Again, again." - Something the famously prickly Sean Connery might say to a journalist who asked him a question about the movie Never Say Never Again, if he didn't particularly feel like talking about the movie Never Say Never Again at that point in time. I dunno. It just came to me and I thought it was funny, so I'm throwing it out there. Say it out loud, in a Sean Connery accent, for maximum comedic effect. ENJOY!

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by our old pal GrottyFrotte. Q: Why does Preznit Dubya always wear neckties? A: Keeps the foreskin down! *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Zod the Great for sending in today's second joke. A blonde and a brunette both board an elevator and push the buttons for their respective floors. On the next floor, the door opens and a businessman wearing a black suit boards the elevator. It’s evident that the man has dandruff problems, because it can be seen on the shoulder of his suit. Two floors later the man gets off, and the two women remain. When the door closes the brunette says, “Someone should give that guy some Head & Shoulders.” The blonde then responds, “How do you give shoulders?” WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's shitty and deeply sacreligious joke was sent in by Tony Pepperoni. J.C.'s hanging on the cross, arms spread. He turns to the right and says to thief 1: "The thief to my right, how far away are you from me?" The thief says "About three meters, Master". He turns then to the thief to his left, same question. Thief 2 says: "About five meters, Master". Then J.C. says: "Gee, then I must be the one with the B.O."

ASK JERKY! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Dear Jerky: Who would win in a fistfight between you and Jello Biafra? Signed: 6 Dear 6; Because I respect him and I know that he recently survived a beating at the hands of skinheads that left him with a fractured skull and minor brain damage, I wouldn't lay a finger on Jello Biafra. So I guess he'd win. But I'd shrug off the loss in no time. When it comes to hand-to-hand combat, yer old pal Jerky's strong suit has always been his ability to shrug off blows that would pulp a normal human being. Good to know all that padding is useful for something. *** **** *** Yo Jerks! I have a question from the DD of August the 3rd. If I have my dick in a girl and she decides she don't want to fuck, how much time do I have to pull my cock out of her sweet wet cunt before I'm breaking the law? I just need to know so I can get my timing right! Sogmed: YOPR MOPR; You have precisely ten seconds to dismount. No more, no less. And during that ten seconds, you have a right to no more than a single thrust, which is the maximum amount you can get away with blaming on the movement necessary to the act of dismounting, itself. But don't quote me on that.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: WHAT IS DUE, GODDAMIT?! Care of: Mr. Ca. It's time for one boy to vent about alot of things which I still think your sopabox is used for, now justification of actions, but who cares. Your last soapbox written by Mr. Earnest Hunter talked about our society setting the values of goods and services, I don't really know what you would consider music, but I am in the business of supplying goods, food to be exact. I run a medium to large farm with corn, soybeans, and cattle. For those that do not realize it, but corn and beef are the two main consumed foods in one way or another in this country. This country is the fattest fucking society ever to graze the earth. Why? Because food is dirt fucking cheap, and everybody better be damn glad. It may not seem like it is that cheap, but you compare the percent our country spends on food per capita to most all others. Finally on to my reason for complaining, farmers of any kind aren't paid shit for their efforts. My father and I work damn near every day, 12 hours a day most of the time, to raise the best crops. Unlike all other self-owned business' we don't set the price of our goods, the government/corporations do. There isn't much difference between them since Bush took over anyway. I'm broke. Is it because i do not work hard enough, or because i am not skilled at running my business, or because my product is not desirable, or because someone steals it off the internet? Fuck no. I don't try to place the blame on anyone, or does it really make me that irate, because i love my work. But when I hear a bunch of whiny fucking pop music companies and their shitty singers crying because this year they didnt sell so many records, so instead of making 10 million dollars they only made 9? I think they should sue people like me for DL their songs, because im too fucking broke to pay for their shitty record. The reason i don't have any money is because the prices I get for my goods are so damn low, so that people can eat cheap, its like they are stealing my fucking money. Its still stealing when I DL one of their songs, but I am Robin Hood and the poor all in one. If they wanted to protest that badly maybe they should quit to see if we could live without them, and with their millions they could quit, though i think we could live with out them. If all the farmers quit because we were being screwed by big business/USG/the people of the fucking USA would you all survive? But we would never do that, for one its un-humanitarian and two we are too fucking broke. Though you never see one of us on TV bitching about not getting paid enough, or filing suit against those who virtually steal our crop. So Hunter and Jerky, you feel for those overpaid shitty "artists", but you dont give a fuck when you break one of us, even though Im sure I put just as much intelligent thought into my work as they do, a whole helluva lot more time and physical work, and probably alot more capital as well. So, fellas, you tell me What Is Due? - Mr. Ca [I don't know... maybe a refill on your Zoloft perscription? - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com